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By Bernie Knox






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Every now and then, there is a story about somebody trying to have a civilized relationship with a wild animall Of course, when the relationship is going well, it doesn’t  make the news. When difficulties arise, that’s when we hear about it. Well, it seems that there are entities whose business is to bring wild creatures to school, so little kids can see what they look like and hear about them at the same time. Even without mishaps (yet), I would wager their insurance rates are very, very high.

Take, for instance, the kindergartners in this private school, who sat rapt (I suppose,) during the presentation. The presentation was over, and the tiger was leaving with her owner, when she was stricken with a strong desire to play. At least, that’s what her handler says. But you know this is not going to be a story with a tragic end. I’d lose my job. A little soap and water to clean off the cat-slobber, a couple hundred stitches, and the kid’s as good as new. The principal took credit for making the cat let go, but I figure the cat let go once she realized that there’s not much meat on the head. Not being an experienced hunter, she probably didn’t know that until then. Her handler said she was playing, but I have some experience with cats, and from what I’ve seen, I don’t think so. She would have separated him into slices with a paw, if she were playing. Cats don’t usually bite without any paws involved, unless they mean business. I figure the kid was lucky she didn’t connect with some part of him that was meatier.

But seriously, the child still has his head, and that’s what’s important. A headless child is at a severe disadvantage in this world, especially today. Aesthetics are more important these days than they have ever been before. And a missing head has a 15% chance, at best, of growing back. Even if it does grow back, the new head will almost always be too small. Better than no head at all, of course, but not by much.

But of course, you’re thinking, “why can’t they just sew the head back on?” Well, for the answer to that, I asked Dr. Ernest Flamboalunderson, head of the department of limb replacement at Gradual Molecular Hospital in Gordon Springs, Siberia. Here is what he said:

“Well, you can, actually. We have been experimenting on this for years, you know. So far, however, we have not succeeded. Not that we can’t sew a head onto a body, don’t be ridiculous, of course we can do that! And of course we can find the right place to sew it onto as long as we’ve had enough sleep and a hearty breakfast, it’s just that so far, the heads we have re-attached have just not performed satisfactorily.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well,” he replied, “there are so many things that can go wrong. Sometimes the eyes will droop, the tongue will be lazy, sometimes you don’t get a good complexion, or the nose falls off because it doesn’t get enough blood flow, or the hair falls out and doesn’t grow back, sometimes the ears will hang like wilted flowers, or sometimes the whole head will droop, it’s very complex.”

“How long do you think it will be, before medical science advances that far?” I asked.

“I really couldn’t say,” Dr. Flamboalunderson replied.

So there you have it. Good thing the kid’s head was not bitten off. A head just cannot be replaced, and without a head, nobody looks good in their clothes.


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Note:  This is a humor column and statements here do not necessarily mean that they are the views and or opinions of the Editor's or the magazine. The information here is presented for entertainment purposes only.

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